Why You're Still Single (For the Ladies)

Love can be as austere and permanent as the spaces between stars or as beautiful and short-lived as the promises made between children. From within, love can seem as easy as breathing and from without, as impenetrable as Dutch math - entire industries have sprung up around helping the lovelorn unravel the mysteries of the tender trap.  I have decided to use my unique position as restaurant reviewer, humorist, philosopher and the final word in masculinity to help bridge the gulf between lovers and the loveless.  

What follows is the Largely the Truth Guide to Why You’re Still Single (For the Ladies)

It's Love, By George!

There are certain discussions that every couple eventually has:  Will we have babies?  What inappropriate, trendy name will we give them?  How many people have you been with?  How many?  I feel like I barely know you, I'm going to my mothers!  These are often pivotal moments in a couple's history, determining in one languid moment of pillow talk whether he will produce a ring from a bedside drawer, or whether she will casually mention that if this month doesn't have thirty-two days she's missed a pill.  In a recent moment of intimacy Nicky & I cautiously approached one of these questions, slowly and with great delicacy because it is through such thin ice as this that the walrus of discontent bursts through to devour the penguin of happiness.  The question?  If you could spend the night with one celebrity - who would it be?