Why You're Still Single (For the Ladies)

Love can be as austere and permanent as the spaces between stars or as beautiful and short-lived as the promises made between children. From within, love can seem as easy as breathing and from without, as impenetrable as Dutch math - entire industries have sprung up around helping the lovelorn unravel the mysteries of the tender trap.  I have decided to use my unique position as restaurant reviewer, humorist, philosopher and the final word in masculinity to help bridge the gulf between lovers and the loveless.  

What follows is the Largely the Truth Guide to Why You’re Still Single (For the Ladies)

You refer to your cats (because they will be cats) as your children/dress them up in baby’s clothes: 

You think this is cute and that someday a man will come along who too appreciates fluffy-wuffy and his bonnet.  If this man does manifest he is probably a serial murderer and you will pass your next birthday in his crawlspace.

You describe your dream man to a date even though they look nothing alike:

Shape-shifters are far less common than fantasy novels and comics books would have us believe.  In fact, there have been no documented case of human beings instantaneously changing shape.  There are, however, a number of documented cases where eligible bachelors climbed out the bathroom window of a a restaurant before dessert because their date spent 15 minutes telling them about the man, taller and more handsome than they, who will one day sweep her off her feet.  This also applies to anything more than passing references to ex-boyfriends.

You think having a menstrual cycle means never having to say you're sorry:

If you find yourself thinking that, for seven to ten days, you are excused from the rules of behaviour which govern the rest of humanity and are free to spread fear and cruelty like a hemorrhagic Rasputin then you are wrong.  And though you may firmly believe that "if you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best", if your worst necessitates locking you in a root cellar like the Wolfman then you have work to do.

You have unusual religious beliefs that you insist on sharing with every new person you meet:

Your faith is part of who you are but you need to recognize that if you drop the phrase “past-life regression” on the first date you could be spending a lot of Friday nights at home watching “The ‘L’ Word”.  Ease potential partners into your belief system – make a passing mention of “chakras” on the second date and gauge reaction.  Do not mention the word “kundalini” until at least date number three.

“He has to be over six feet, muscular and have a great head of hair”:

If you have taken to assessing men's dating potential the way you would shop for produce then you will end up dating vegetables.  If you think he is the pinnacle of human evolution then chances are he does too. 

You tell anyone who will listen that you want "a real man, not a boy":

This is commonly heard from unpleasant women as a way to rationalize why the opposite sex treats them like lepers.  If you can ask yourself, "exactly what do I mean by a 'real man' and, if he exists, what interest would he have in a woman with the personality of a garbage disposal" then you are on the right track.

You tell prospective partners things like, “In five years I see myself living in an ashram/cabin in the mountains/abandoned oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico”:

You’ll notice that these statements don’t lend much wiggle room to your future.  Men appreciate challenges – being told “you’ll never climb to the top of that mountain” makes us harden our resolve to prove that nothing is impossible.  These statements, however, are the equivalent of saying, “You’ll never climb to the top of that mountain, and if you do a gorilla will be waiting for you at the top to box your ears and poop in your hat.” This is all quite apart from the fact that in five years you’ll still be reading self-help books in an overstuffed coffee shop easy chair.

You often find yourself thinking, "All the good ones are married, taken or gay!":

There is a third option - they are hiding from you.

Check this space in two weeks time for “Largely the Truth: Why You’re Still Single (For the Guys)”.  An abbreviated version of this article appears in the Wednesday, February 23rd edition of the newspaper Diversity Reporter.