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| Alan Greenspan's early policies were his best |
An update for those among you who are either wilfully
ignorant or living in a system of caves near Peshawar: we are now in the midst
of an economic recession. To the uninitiated, me included, this didn't sound so
bad at first. After all as children recess was a frolicsome time free of
supervision. When you learned whether you were going to spend your life being
picked first, second, third for kickball or whether you were going to be more
or less permanently pinned under the monkey bars by Booger the school leper. So
I confess that when economists started bandying around the "R" word I
got a little excited and started looking for my knee shorts and bobby socks.
Then I learned that recess is different for adults: the kickball team doesn't
take resumes and Booger's too busy repossessing cars to return your calls.
Despite having investments I am trying to pay as
little attention as possible to these most recent stock market
fluctuations. If I wanted to tear out
what little hair I have left trying to control things that are inherently impossible
to control I would have had children. Also,
my understanding of the stock market has always been terrible, so my comprehension
of the current situation is that US Debt & the Tea Party have hopped into
their Fleetwood Brougham and driven off across the badlands of the NASDAQ
taking potshots at lawmen and your 401(k).
Really, I don’t even know what a 401(k) is other
than it seems to serve the same purpose in your life as a dog in a country
song: it’s the last thing the world takes from you before you decide to see
what 9mm ammunition tastes like at speed.
I would love it if most newsreaders and television pundits currently
discussing “the markets” would be as honest.
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| Ben in simpler times |
From everything I’ve heard, “The Markets” sound like
the financial equivalent of a circus bear known for flying into unprovoked
rages: everyone tiptoes around the
subject and keeps their voices low so as not to set it off but in the end they
have just enough time to tell “Gentle Ben, no!” before another clown is sent to
the big top in the sky. The sole difference
is that you can tranquilize the bear if “The Market” gets a wild hair
it can easily bring down the whole circus.
The only other comparison I can think of is that of
a pagan god – except even they could be sated with sacrifice. If Poseidon was battering your ship with waves
you could toss an ensign or two overboard and soon enough the sea would smooth
out. If your island commune had a string
of failed crops you just duped Edward Woodward into a giant wicker man then set
the bugger alight. If the trees still
didn’t bloom you called Nicolas Cage and did the whole thing again.
It seems that there's no calming the market, however; no matter
how much you rub its feet or bring it breakfast in bed it still won’t tell you
what’s wrong, because “if you have to ask then you’ll never understand.”
Despite this irrationality, the people in my
television talk about the situation, dropping terms like “Chinese bond market”
and “fiscal irresponsibility”, as though they have any more idea than I do
about what’s going on or how to fix it. There
is a chilling vacancy in the eyes of those spinning bullshit about important
things. The next time you watch a news
report about the economy, remember back to when your parents said, “...but
mommy & daddy still love each other very much” and try not to spit out your
Mr. Pib when you realize they all have the same look on their face – a mixture
of fear, regret and the deep hope that we’ll all get out of this intact.
And we will.
But let’s build that Wicker Man just in case. Does anyone have Nic Cage’s number?
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| Don't forget the bees. |
