Ringing in the New Year, Victoria-style

We are in the twilight of another year, that brief break in the ryhthmic breath of the universe when we pause to consider the mistakes we made in the last 12 months and prepare to repeat them.  As always, everyone will ring in the new year in their own way.  Some will already be in bed when the big moment comes, some will be off their face on Jack Daniels and glue, some will be hurriedly packing their mountain caves with ammunition and tinned ham in preparation for the big showdown in 2012, when everyone's favorite feathery serpent will rain down the kind of destruction we haven't seen since Y2K.


If you hadn't planned on sleeping, playing the Kiefer Sutherland home game or preparing to shamefacedly greet the dawn on December 22, 2012, chances are you're looking for something to do.  Maybe you're looking for a party, or looking to plan one of your own. Since my invitations to social functions keep getting lost in the mail I won't be much help with the former, but if you want to plan a successful New Year's Eve extravaganza then you're in the right place.

Here is the Largely the Truth guide to planning a successful Victoria-style New Years Eve party, sure to attract many important people wearing scarves:


1 - Theme:  You may be surprised that a New Year's Eve Party requires a theme, but everyone in the know understands that it is surpassingly gauche to celebrate something as banal as the successful revolution of one celestial body around another.  First and foremost, you must identify a theme that easily lends itself to costumes.  The city's cultural elite love nothing more than crawling over top one another in Value Village to find the accessory that best compliments their Post-Existentialist, Pre-Raphaelite Chimney Sweep outfit.

2 - What to Serve:  No doubt you foolishly thought you could feed your guests microwaved morsels from M&M Meats, or a tray of deli meats from Thrifty's.  This would be an insult to the delicate palate of those who live in a Capital City.  Do you think the refined citizenry of other Capital Cities like Carson City, Nevada, or Springfield, Illinois would lower themselves to the level of jalapeno peppers filled with cream cheese?  I think not.  Instead consider something like fondue, with fair-trade cheese made from the milk of cows who have a keen sense of irony.

3 - Cultural Sensitivity:  Remember that not everyone celebrates the New Year in the same way.  For the Chinese, new year begins in February.  For Boston Red Sox fans New Year ceased to be important after winning the 2007 World Series.  Including aspects of these disparate celebrations into your own, for example by handing out small red envelopes filled with money or burning pictures of Bill Buckner, will impress your guests.

4 - Guest List:  First you must remember that the number of people who show up will be inversely proportional to the number of people you invite.  Just as Groucho Marx refused to join any club that would have him as a member, so too will Victoria's glitterati spurn events so accessible as to issue invitations. Exclusivity is the key to popularity, and so for maximum turnout follow this one simple step: do not invite anyone. This may seem counter-productive to a properly functioning social event but I assure you that the air of mystery will draw more guests than a seminar on social media.

If you truly want to go the extra mile, send out "unvitations" - small note cards expressing regret that the recipient is not welcome at your planned soirée. Employ this tactic sparingly, however, as it will likely cause such things as a lineup at the door, television coverage and an appearance by Gwyneth Paltrow.

 So there you have it, four tips on hosting the ultimate Victoria New Year's Eve party. I look forward to my having my unvitation lost in the mail.