Recession? There's a Wicker Man For That

Alan Greenspan's early policies were his best

An update for those among you who are either wilfully ignorant or living in a system of caves near Peshawar: we are now in the midst of an economic recession. To the uninitiated, me included, this didn't sound so bad at first. After all as children recess was a frolicsome time free of supervision. When you learned whether you were going to spend your life being picked first, second, third for kickball or whether you were going to be more or less permanently pinned under the monkey bars by Booger the school leper. So I confess that when economists started bandying around the "R" word I got a little excited and started looking for my knee shorts and bobby socks. Then I learned that recess is different for adults: the kickball team doesn't take resumes and Booger's too busy repossessing cars to return your calls.

Despite having investments I am trying to pay as little attention as possible to these most recent stock market fluctuations.  If I wanted to tear out what little hair I have left trying to control things that are inherently impossible to control I would have had children.  Also, my understanding of the stock market has always been terrible, so my comprehension of the current situation is that US Debt & the Tea Party have hopped into their Fleetwood Brougham and driven off across the badlands of the NASDAQ taking potshots at lawmen and your 401(k). 

Really, I don’t even know what a 401(k) is other than it seems to serve the same purpose in your life as a dog in a country song: it’s the last thing the world takes from you before you decide to see what 9mm ammunition tastes like at speed.  I would love it if most newsreaders and television pundits currently discussing “the markets” would be as honest. 

Ben in simpler times

From everything I’ve heard, “The Markets” sound like the financial equivalent of a circus bear known for flying into unprovoked rages:  everyone tiptoes around the subject and keeps their voices low so as not to set it off but in the end they have just enough time to tell “Gentle Ben, no!” before another clown is sent to the big top in the sky.  The sole difference is that you can tranquilize the bear if “The Market” gets a wild hair it can easily bring down the whole circus.

The only other comparison I can think of is that of a pagan god – except even they could be sated with sacrifice.  If Poseidon was battering your ship with waves you could toss an ensign or two overboard and soon enough the sea would smooth out.  If your island commune had a string of failed crops you just duped Edward Woodward into a giant wicker man then set the bugger alight.  If the trees still didn’t bloom you called Nicolas Cage and did the whole thing again. 

It seems that there's no calming the market, however; no matter how much you rub its feet or bring it breakfast in bed it still won’t tell you what’s wrong, because “if you have to ask then you’ll never understand.” 

Despite this irrationality, the people in my television talk about the situation, dropping terms like “Chinese bond market” and “fiscal irresponsibility”, as though they have any more idea than I do about what’s going on or how to fix it.  There is a chilling vacancy in the eyes of those spinning bullshit about important things.  The next time you watch a news report about the economy, remember back to when your parents said, “...but mommy & daddy still love each other very much” and try not to spit out your Mr. Pib when you realize they all have the same look on their face – a mixture of fear, regret and the deep hope that we’ll all get out of this intact.

And we will.  But let’s build that Wicker Man just in case.  Does anyone have Nic Cage’s number?

Don't forget the bees.