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| You made it |
Israel’s Ben-Gurion Airport, widely considered to be the
safest in the world, uses a sophisticated passenger screening system headed by
college graduates who coolly screen travelers for “micro-expressions” which may
hint at nefarious intent – by contrast, the U.K. Border Agency (and the TSA in
America, for that matter) employs a network of po-faced ungulates still
seething over not being invited to prom.
So don’t take it personally when, upon your arrival in England, the U.K.
Border Agency treats you like you’ve just arrived from Malawi with several
sticks of T.N.T., a pound of cocaine and eight undocumented immigrants concealed
somewhere on your person. Or like you're Madonna.
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| "You guys still believe I'm English, right?" |
When dealing with customs agents it’s important to pretend
you checked your sense of humor along with your baggage; these people see
thousands of passengers a day and have heard every joke you can imagine at
least three times. Be prepared to tell
them exactly how long you plan on being in the country, where you’re staying
and why you’re going – even first-class passengers can count on getting the
third degree. In a way, that’s the beauty
of airports - how many other places in the world offer you the opportunity to
be treated like a king and a sheepstealer within the same sixty minute
span? It’s like living through The Prince and the Pauper if it had a
scene where another man roughly probes Prince Edward’s “Hendon Hall” looking
for controlled substances.
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| Yes, that means exactly what you think it does. |
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| King Fahad. Is it an airport? A shopping mall? No one cared enough to ask |
With an area of 12.3 square kilometres (4.7m2)
Heathrow Airport isn’t even a tenth the size of Saudi Arabia’s King Fahad
International, the world’s biggest airport (780km2/301m2),
but in 2011 it was the third busiest in the world with some 69,000,000
passengers. For the die-hard statisticians
out there, Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport has been number 1
in passenger volume since 1998 with almost 90,000,000 arrivals and departures
in 2011.
What all this means is that
once you clear Blue Peter at customs you will be buffeted by thousands of confused
passengers from all walks of life who are eager to get on with their lives. Some will have friends or family waiting for
them to arrive, others will be lonely buggers like you, nursing indigestion and
towing a mountain of Samsonite cases as you shamble sadly towards the transit
exits.
Getting from Heathrow into central London is relatively easy
and cheap, depending on your level of patience.
Below I’ll list the major options along with some pros and cons. Be aware that if London is not your first
stop then the best thing you can do is a catch a bus from Heathrow’s Central
station; it saves you wasting the time going all the way into central London
only to come back out again. Bus options
are covered below
The Underground
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At approximately £5 one-way, the London Underground, or tube
(“chewb” if you speak the Queen’s) is the most cost-effective way into the city. The stations are located on the lower level
of the central area between Terminals 1,2,3 and Terminal 5 (follow the signs
from the arrivals area) and ticket machines are similar to those used for
transit in most major cities, accepting both cash (U.K. only) and credit card. Room for luggage is not generous so this is a
poor option if you’ve brought your steamer trunk full of Cashmere sweaters. Travel time is approximately 50-60 minutes.
Heathrow Connect
Heathrow Connect is a direct rail service between Heathrow
Central station and London’s Paddington Station. Cost is £8.50 and travel time is 25 minutes. If your flight lands at Terminal 5 you’ll
want to take the Heathrow Express train to the central station and change onto
the Connect. Taking the Express into the
city is considerably more expensive but travel between terminals is free.
The Heathrow Connect offers the best balance between cost
and travel time.
Heathrow Express
At 15 minutes, the Express is the fastest option for travel between
Heathrow and Paddington. The cost (£18
one way/£32 return) is more than double that of the Connect but buys you a more
comfortable ride, wireless internet, abundant baggage space and, according to
their site, the option of using your mobile phone while traveling through
tunnels. I’m suspicious of how many
tunnels you could possibly pass through in 15 minutes but that’s just me.
National Express
For those of you not visiting London, National Express,
England’s premier coach service is your best choice. To be clear, “coach” is what the English call
a “bus”; this service does not help you meet Craig T. Nelson.
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| Maybe that's not such a bad thing |
Fares vary by destination but all tickets can be booked
online at the National Express site and either printed or picked up at the Heathrow
Central Bus Station. If you’re flying
with BA and arriving into Terminal 5 you’re better off printing your ticket as
otherwise you’ll have to get off the bus at Central and have it printed.
Taxi
A taxi into central London will take about an hour and cost
from £40-£70 ($65-$113), making its only real advantages door-to-door service
and not having to run the Proletarian obstacle course that is public transit. London cabbies have a reputation for being
chatty and that may take some adjustment if you’ve become accustomed to taxies driven
by Indian men shouting into their cell phone as they ignore you.
Now, after 5-10 hours of being violently shaken in a
flying metal tube you may not feel all that social but that will make little
to no difference to your driver. Once I
took a cab to the emergency ward at one of London’s hospitals and as I clutched
myself in agony the driver helpfully explained the history of every building we
passed.
Now that you’re on your way into London the fun can
begin. Check back soon for So You Want to Go to England: London City Guide
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